My Inner Child Saved My Life

Have you ever wanted to change something so bad but it just seemed impossible? I recommend getting to know that little inner child inside of you! My inner child saved my life! I spent the summer brainwashing myself into doing some really hard things that I was ready to change about me! I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t sure I was up for any of this. But damn, I had to try. I had started to read and hear about inner child work the past year or so going into this quitting and rewiring era I was in. I’ll admit, I have a tendency to abandon myself when I’m challenged. To change anything, I knew I had to change the way I was showing up for myself. Looking back, I’m still partially in shock.

I Had To Quit Quitting On My Inner Child

140 days ago, I filed for divorce!

This was nothing new for me, it would be my fourth! I hear ya! Four marriages? Iyiyiyi! What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. Also, I’m a high-functioning codependent. In the past, I would’ve carried so much shame for so long for even thinking that thought, I definitely wouldn’t have volunteered the information out so freely like this. At 40, I just got really tired of not being able to feel like I was being myself. I didn’t even know what authenticity felt like. Perhaps nothing good does come easy. But it had to be easier than that. So I quit giving my all to someone else and turned my love inside, on me, for the first time in my life. The most amazing things started feeling possible.

107 days ago, I quit smoking!

I started smoking very young. Way too young. I picked up my first cigarette at the age of ten. It started innocent enough. A Cigarette stolen and shared between cousins from my aunt’s pack. Stealing a Kool out of dad’s pack with my sister on a summer vacation in Florida. One day became the next and by 15, I was a pack a day smoker. 25 years ago, that was long before I would ever drive a car. I had tried to quit smoking in the past, each time failing because as gross as I knew it was, I really liked smoking. More than half of my life, I was attached to my habit. I was smoking two packs a day at the end of July when I quit.

75 days ago, I stopped prescription meds.

After six months of weaning, I stopped taking the Xanax that had been prescribed to me in very high doses since I saw a doctor for anxiety and post partum depression fifteen years ago. I was in my first year of college with two young toddlers and a newborn baby, surely someone could’ve recommended yoga or meditation? On the same day, I stopped taking the Trazadone I was prescribed for sleeping as well. I haven’t slept like this ever in my life.

22 days without getting on social media.

No Facebook. No Instagram. Never was a Twitter Girlie, so no loss there. I have kept my Tik Tok on my phone, but only for Book Club with Jaime Messina. I don’t even allow myself to get on the app without the invitation from Jaime to her Live and I get off immediately. If I could listen to Book Club and interact with the community that she’s built without the app, I would definitely choose that option. Honestly, the only thing I miss about Facebook is Jaime’s Club Lilles page for Late In Life Lesbians to which I have been a part of since the page started and I came out the same year.

I Can Do Hard Things and So Can You

I’m aware that in the near future I may need to use social media to get my message to as many people as possible. But for now, for me, I’m working on rewiring my brain and I can’t do that and simultaneously be spending my time and my emotional energy on what is happening in other people’s lives. I replaced my social media scrolling with healing podcasts and amazing books that I’m going to be sharing with you! Thanks to some deeper Inner Child work I began a couple of weeks ago, I realize that I have been extremely emotionally unregulated.

Imagine that! I was going from mad to happy to sad to politically charged in the matter of seconds and it started to feel really unsafe for my mind. It felt similar to when I was in active addiction. I spent a long-time playing victim to my circumstances because I used to really hate myself. I spent the summer brainwashing myself with gratitude practices and showing up for myself in ways that I never had before, and I really built this amazing trust with myself.

I’m taking my inner child by the hand and I’m giving her everything she needed to build the self worth she never had.

My Heal Squad Shoutout of the Week

Recently, I started diving into self hypnotization practice with the Deep Imaginings from To Be Magnetic. I can’t wait to tell you more about it. I’m going in deep. Wanna Join Me?! http://www.tobemagnetic.com. The Authenticity Challenge just started!