A Talk About Shame

My shame and I had a rough morning. I hate even admitting that because I have gotten so good at putting on a brave face. I’ve learned to put a smile on and wear it just right to make everyone comfortable. Bright enough to fill the children with ease and love. Timed just right to get me through a work day, holiday, or any day as long as nobody asks me how I am with any real concern. Because then, I might cry.

I’ve worked really hard at regulating my emotions and nervous system but today, I couldn’t get grounded and the dam was destroyed by the flood from within me.

I suppose I felt my reservoir overflowing but thought I was contained within my gratitude practices and 24/7 self-awareness. Nope! The truth is, there are times when I’m overwhelmed by my emotions and my awareness.

On any given day, I’m overwhelmed with joy. Seriously, like the definition of elated. Even today, in the middle of sobbing, I felt grateful for the pain I felt. But, the anger was holding the hands of my sadness and they danced around the darkness of my mind and body. In a moment, with no warning, the room was dark and spinning.

Sharing My Shame

The next moment, I heard, “breathe in my love and light, push out the gray matter.” After a few rounds of breathing and sweet support, the light poured back into the room and the heaviness left my chest. “I see you. I’m love you. You’re not alone.” I was reminded by the pressure in my fingers that I was holding my phone. My dear friend Jaci, calling to me from the outside of the cave. And from Facetime. Reminding me I have family less than a day away by automobile and only a moment away by technology.

Like me, she is expanding. “I see you. I love you. You’re not alone.” I can hear her voice so clearly on repeat. She lets me share my shame stories without fear of abandonment or judgment and the gratitude I have for that is insurmountable. Jaci, I see you, I love you, and You are not alone.”

I have been working on shedding and shifting the shame that has taken over my life. I’m sure that sounds dramatic and wish it were an overstatement. I learned the difference between guilt and shame this week and it’s obvious that I am still wearing my shame skin. I cannot let my shame keep me small any longer. Dr. Brene Brown says that the way out is in. I have to talk about it to make it subside.

Shame On Me

Do you know what a drug addict, a thief, and a liar all have in common? They are all a part of me. Among many other boxes I have shrunk myself to fit in. I have been a thousand different women. I have spent the last 21 years trying to change. I’ve spent the last six trying to “fix myself” so that my family would forgive me and love me again.

I will NEVER shrink again. Running, hiding, and trying to change myself has cost me the most important person in my life…ME!

Seven years ago, I abandoned myself. I made a myriad of bad decisions and it cost me my entire family of origin and my Self.

My trouble caught up to me very publicly. If you’re friends with my sister on Facebook, I’m sure you saw my mugshot. I admitted my faults to my family and apologized to my younger sister that was indirectly financially affected by my bad behavior. She had always looked up to me and I really let her down.

I followed all of the channels and rules to make amends and clean up my side of the karmic (and legal) street for the two years that followed.

Shame Under Me

Even then, complete family estrangement. I actually had to look that up. “Google, what is it called when you make one family member upset and the whole family stops talking to you?” Family Estrangement or Disownment. As soon as I read Disownment, I felt a strange relief.

Having more than one definition meant it wasn’t just me. It wasn’t just my family either. There are large groups of blood related people that feel perfectly fine casting one member, or several, away, alone, no second thought. At first, the reality of that made me cry again.

I’ve learned to succumb to my tears when they start because emotion needs to be felt. It needs to move. Emotion is just energy in motion. I’ve gotten pretty good at moving mine around.

I began to JournalSpeak because it really helps when I have any feelings that include anger. I used to think anger was such a wasted emotion and I didn’t want to get to know mine at all. Today, I knew it demanded my attention. One of my spiritual goals is to be slow to anger. I have let my anger get the best of me more times than I can even admit in one journal.

Shame Covered My Skin

The difference between guilt and shame is: Guilt is- I did something bad. Shame is-I am bad. I didn’t just spend the last seven years thinking I made a bad decision or I was bad. I was looking myself in the mirror and calling myself ugly, a shitty mom, and a terrible person. Worst of all, I believed every mean word I thought and said about me. I became my shame.

I’ve spent the last seven months climbing out of that shame skin. It has taken taken time and space away from everyone except my kids to find the answers to all of my questions. I’ve even found a few. I’ll find more. I’m nothing if not curious. Brene is right, the only way out is in.

I gave myself sixty minutes to write this because anymore than that and I’ll get distracted or judgmental and delete all of my words. I turned off Grammerly because I am aware that my writing, like me, is imperfect, but I prefer to write in my voice without AI suggestions preferring it in anything but.

Thanks for reading!

By Crystal Hosea