My Inner Voice Has Social Anxiety While Christmas Shopping

My people-pleasing has never been more apparent than yesterday and neither has my social anxiety,- quite the combination for a trip to the local mall! I have been working on the deep-rooted high-functioning codependency that has led me to find it nearly impossible to say no to people. I thought I had made great progress until yesterday. Yesterday, I struggled to walk away from the people at the little kiosks all along the mall’s center. The med spa lady almost got me for a small fortune. I thought that my inner voice and my social anxiety were working against me. I needed to tune in a little better, (and sooner) when my body was setting off alarms.

Eye Have Social Anxiety

I have struggled with anxiety since junior high school so before I went into the mall, I planned to be quick and intentional. I had to pick up an online order from Bath and Body Works that couldn’t be shipped. I’m participating in a Secret Santa gift exchange so I also wanted to stop at Barnes and Noble Bookstore so I parked on the bookstore side of the parking lot. While I was walking in I had a thought to also stop at the stone store to grab some crystals, incense, and essential oils. Three stops- should be simple.

Eye Hear An Inner Voice

I have always had a loud inner dialogue. It helped me refrain from buying anything extra in B&BW, although it was a challenge! Something told me I had gone the wrong way. I didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of the two guys standing together staring at me, so I kept going even though I knew I was wasting my time. My inner voice has social anxiety.

Eye Have A Wrinkle Or Two

I have been trying to go natural the past year as often as possible and it has been a struggle. I’m 40, so it should be no surprise that I have a few wrinkles under my eyes, among other places on my face. I have embraced my skin-care routine and have felt more comfortable in my skin than ever before. However, since my summer tan has faded away, my insecurity has returned. She asked if she could put her cream under my eyes. I felt like I had a note taped to my forehead that shared the under-eye insecurity with the whole mall. She led me over to a mirror and a chair. My inner voice has social anxiety.

Eye Don’t F*@%ing Think So.

‘What the fuck are you doing Crystal? This is not in the plan. There’s no time for this.’ My inner voice is louder than the music playing on the loudspeaker so I am not sure why I didn’t just get right up and walk away from her. Her accent was intriguing, as was the lack of wrinkles under her eyes. I silently wondered if she used this cream herself. She was in her early twenties and surely did not need eye cream. When she put the mirror in front of my face to compare my two eyes, my shock must’ve been apparent. The dramatic storyteller in me hears an audible gasp! It was amazing, I was amazed. Equally as shocking, the bottle was $299.

Eye Hear Voices

I expected a high price but this was outrageous! I needed an exit strategy, so I told her I’d think about it knowing I didn’t have anything to think about. Her boss called her over and the next thing I knew, she was throwing in the moisturizer-free as long as I promised not to tell my friends how much I paid when they inquired about what I was using on my skin. My inner voice, as peaceful as she had become with me, was tearing her to shreds by this point. Her boss called her over again and deep inside I heard ‘GET UP CRYSTAL! NOW! GET UP! WALK OUT!’

Eye Can’t Feel My Legs

I was frozen. I was consciously stuck in that seat that I don’t even remember sitting down in! She walked over to me, (Picture one of the boxers hunched over in a corner trying to gain the strength to go one more round with the heavyweight champion of destroying under-eye wrinkles), I wonder if she could tell that I was all but defeated. I barely heard any words before she said “Payment plan.” “I’ll do it.” My fight was done. She restated that it was the same deal for $299 on a payment plan and she said the monthly would be $12.50. Picture my inner self smacking her forehead as soon as I agree. Obviously, committing to this lady at the Medspa place was easier than disappointing her with a kind “No thank you.”

Eye Gotta Go

She walked me up to the spot where the boss man was standing and he tried to hand me a paper to scan to apply for the care credit to access the funds for the payment plan. My entire system went wild. My heart started beating rapidly, I felt my ears and the back of my neck get fire-hot, and the voice in my gut was saying ‘GO GO GO GO GO!’. I couldn’t hear a word either of them were saying anymore. I looked up at both of them as they were smiling at me and engaging with me, but I couldn’t hear a fucking word!

Eye Can Hear You Now

Since I had my phone in my hand looking at the application I hadn’t filled out, I pulled it to my ear, and said “Hey did you find it?…” I gave the person ‘on the line’ directions around my desk before saying, “It’s okay, I’ll be there in less than twenty minutes.” I stood up out of the second chair that I don’t recall sitting in. Without making eye contact, I looked up quickly and said, “I’m so sorry, I’ll be back in less than an hour!”

Regulators

‘No, the fuck she won’t!’ My inner voice is anxious, humored, and annoyed with me. Same, Self, same. I’ve always been a fast walker but this was a new level of speed-walking. I didn’t stop for crystals, incense, and oils, or at Barnes and Noble. Holding back tears, a scream, or both, once I could see the outside, I could feel my chest opening. The air was thick inside the building, and a tear streamed down my face when the doors opened. I took a breath, finally. “You’re okay Crystal. It’s okay. This place is not for you.”