I’ve only ever found peace in pieces, and the same for pain. To truly experience one, you need the other.
Lies and Lilac
I planted my lies under the lilac bush And the lies grew taller than me The sage bush wilted My self-esteem melted Destroying my memory Introspected Disconnected Regulation was nowhere to be found Deeper the voices Harder the choices I screamed but heard no sound In circles I spun out Kicked all the fun out Started again all alone Reborn in the summer Got older Felt younger Finally found peace in my bones
If I’d…
If I had to do it over If I had to start again I'd fight less with my mother I'd still see my best friend I'd write a few more stories I'd tell a couple truths I'd sit in my own glory I'd become my own muse I'd meditate a little longer I'd sleep in til three or four I'd work out to just be stronger I'd maybe gain a couple more I'd learn a little quicker I'd follow a few more dreams I'd drink a lot less liquor I'd smoke a lot less weed I'd forgive a little sooner I'd care a little less I'd do what sets my soul on fire I'd chase this lightness in my chest I'd open my mind a little younger I'd give more compassion to my heart I'd answer that phone call from my brother I'd forgive my shadow parts If I had to do it all again If I had to do this over I'd give myself a little grace And I'd move a little slower
2025
I thought I'd keep this simple Cuz Life is such a grind My only goal for this year Is to not lose my fucking mind Sorry for the expletive I should resolve to no longer curse To have no fear or panic When the worst case gets worse Or to have the ability to calm down When triggered by a call When tested by society Will I stand down or stand tall Maybe I've fallen off the track I'll set my goals a little higher I'll sleep in past five am I'll listen when my bones are tired I'll go off the beaten path I'll set my goals a little lower I'll take a week instead of a day off I'll read my books a little slower I won't open Instagram or Facebook I won't light a cigarette I won't take two shots to ease the pain I won't live in regret I won't numb out on Xanax I won't starve myself I won't buy more self-help books Just to decorate the shelf I won't force fake smiles For people who treat me like shit I won't promise to be there I won't overcommit I put down my heavy burdens I'll put down my shame I'll keep my head up and my shoulders back I'll proudly speak my name I'll braid the hair of my shadow parts I'll dance with my inner child I'll sing with the thousand women within me As I continue to re-wild I'll transmute all judgment I'll let my energy alchemize Apprehension to Abundance A fearless 2025
The Voices In My Head
The voices in my head Tell me I'm a piece of shit They told me I was ugly Starting at the age of six They told me I was fat And then they said too thin They told me I was hated By all my closest friends As I got older, they got meaner My thoughts were so unkind I was never in a more unsafe place Than my own dangerous mind They told me I was all alone These voices that I heard They said I could never be forgiven For those crooked lines I blurred "You're such a disappointment!" The words cut like tiny knives I'm a human, I made mistakes "NO! I don't want to end my life!" The voices said there's no forgiveness But there's gotta be a way Sobbing in the mirror I heard "Crystal, you're okay" I looked up and saw my swollen eyes My cries turned into screams I begged GUS to forgive me And change my prophecy "God, Universe, Spirit" These words came from my mouth "Am I allowed to drop my shame? Can I start to heal this now?" I'm tired of hating my own body I'm sick of questioning my mind Strangled with neglect, abandoned Unheld by the ties that bind "It's okay if they leave you But stop abandoning yourself Pour half of that love back into YOU That you pour into everybody else." A splash of ice cold water I washed the shame off my face From that very moment I gave myself some grace The voices in my head Can still be a little cruel My mind is like a fire My thoughts are like the fuel My tongue is like a weapon So when my thoughts are mean I tend to stay to myself So I can't hurt anyone but me Now when the voices talk to me I speak back to them with love They're just my shadow pieces That don't think I'm good enough
What Mama Never Healed From
Was this passed down like brown hair is This inner feeling of dread Is what Mama never healed from Dancing in my head When I can't let someone touch me Without wanting to burn my skin Is that a recoil from her trauma score Did it work its way in Did I get this scar from in the womb Is this her pain, not mine A feeling of transference There's trauma in my bloodline "Did you give this to me Mama?" The twisting in my chest The doctors called in anxiety I thought Mama knew best "Trust absolutely no one!" "Watch this Lifetime movie." For a woman scared of everything How'd she miss what happened to me? "Did you build this in me, Mama?" This magnet for abuse and pain Or was it all in my head "Mama, did you make me insane?" Am I repeating all her cycles now Am I just a part of mamas story Can I still change the path I'm on Was this never meant for Me Am I allowed to heal this now I want that for me AND you Can she see how strong I am "Mama, did you give this to me too?"
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