Unregulated: My Teenage Tension

My most unregulated moments take place when my fifteen-year-old daughter and my fifteen-year-old inner child butt heads. It usually ends with both of us screaming at one another until we’re uncontrollably crying and inducing a large-scale shame spiral; at least on my end. Yesterday, I was my most unregulated self.

My daughter was home sick with a sore throat that was bright red with little white pockets as far as I could see. I made an appointment with our primary care physician to treat the virus that was surely causing her discomfort. It was my day off and I had a few things I wanted to get done such as going to Half-Priced Books, getting a smoothie, and going for a walk during the first fifty-degree day this year.

Unregulated Company

The bookstore was the first on my list. A coworker told me all bout this bookstore by the mall that has great deals on books. Everyone knows how much I like to read. I was excited to finally have some time to wander around in there. When I let my daughter know that I was going to the bookstore, she asked if she could go. In all honesty, something told me to have her stay home since she was sick, but I let her tag along. She was miserable in the store. She had a headache and her muscles were sore.

The whole time I was in there I was focused on whether or not she was okay or needed to sit. I kept thinking, “She’s probably irritated at me for looking around.” I cut my trip short and secretly resented her for my irritation and myself because I knew I should’ve told her to stay in bed. I’ve been worried about upsetting her because she has struggled in a one-parent home. Too often, I have overcompensated and put us on the wrong path.

I can do hard things

The course correction is not going to be easy. It’s going to be really fucking hard. But, I can do hard things, Glennon Doyle told me so. I just needed to get her to the doctor and have her get in bed to rest. It could’ve all been so simple.

After leaving the bookstore I drove us to the smoothie shop. It was such a beautiful day that I was able to open my sunroof, a simple joy that can easily make any day better. It worked like magic! With my high-vibe music, fresh fruit smoothie, seven books for fifty dollars, and the sun shining my mood was calm, cool, and collected. We still had an hour before the doctor’s appointment so I drove home so we could use the restroom and then we went to get a car wash!

Doctor Doctor

The doctor was as sure as I was that it was Strept Throat. Weirdly, as the doctor was swabbing her throat, I knew the test was going to come back negative. As she walked out of the room we heard her say to the medical assistant that she was handing the swab to, “I’m willing to bet on that one.”

When she came back in with a negative test result, I wasn’t shocked. She said she would still like Mia to take the antibiotics because there was clearly an infection and the amoxicillin would likely help it. I agreed that I would fill the prescription and give it a chance to work.

While waiting for the doctor to come back with a plan Mia asked if we could get some food after the doctor and I told her to start thinking about what she would like to eat. We had a conversation that wasn’t far from the one we had before every meal: “What do you want?” “Whatever, what do you want? I could eat anything!” “Okay do you want a salad?” “No!” “Some soup because your throat hurts?” “Nope. “Chinese? “Eww.” “Okay so by anything you mean what then?” “Anything but those things.”

Unregulated Spleen

Lately, the food struggle has intensified because I’m trying to eat cleaner and she’s picky like me, but pickier. So as the doctor walked in, I told her to think about it more. She jokingly told me to ask my spleen because I’m a Splenic Authority according to My Human Design. I have been asking my body before doing things and trusting its responses with positive results. So I asked my spleen. My body screamed, “Colorful!”

She’s an Emotional Authority, so I told her she needed to think about something that would make her happy to eat and that she would still be able to swallow. She said something fresh but didn’t want a salad. I kept thinking “This doesn’t make any sense.” But, since she was sick, I gave her sandwich options and she chose Panera Bread.

Sometimes, I get panicked in food lines when I don’t know my options and I feel rushed. I wanted a salad but I felt I couldn’t read the salad options quickly enough to feel like a good customer, so I ended up ordering what I always order, a macaroni bread bowl and a half chicken rancher. There were tears welling up in my eyes. It seems so stupid but I didn’t want pasta or a sandwich. I wanted a fucking salad, something light so that I wouldn’t sabotage my walk. For the millionth time, I went against what my body told me and it resulted in a breakdown of my system.

Just Breathe

As I waited for the food, I took a few deep breaths and ordered my salad to be delivered to the house. Completely aware that I was dysregulated I just tried to breathe through my emotions, but felt myself fully surrendering to them. I was also aware that Mia was aware that I was upset. I told her it was okay because it was. Also, it was not. It was both. But I’ve gotten so worried about upsetting her that all I said was, “I could cry because I didn’t want this. None of it. I should’ve ordered something else.”

I should’ve explained that I struggled at the drive-thru window. I’m sure she would’ve understood. But, I also didn’t want her to feel like it was her fault for choosing the location or her responsibility to help me regulate my nervous system. Nobody was to blame for how I was feeling but I was keenly aware that I was moving into a feeling of overwhelm and I should’ve said that part out loud.

He Said, She Said A Thing

After getting the food, I started driving to the pharmacy. We were almost home. While I was driving, my daughter got visibly agitated as she was listening to someone talk on her phone. From the driver’s seat, I couldn’t hear the conversation. From her body language, I didn’t need to. I’ve seen this same rage a million times. Someone said something to someone else and it makes me feel like this.

I’m not taking away from the validity of her anger. I simply cannot wait until she realizes that none of these people’s opinions will matter. But her world is only this big and the biggest thing was someone saying something about her to someone else and she felt a way about it. Deservingly so.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

Today, my regulated self knows I should’ve said that. “You deserve to be upset. You deserve to feel however you want to feel about it as long as you don’t hurt another person’s feelings to try to stifle your own.” I could’ve just said, “I hear you. I see you. Your feelings are valid.” I wish I would’ve just held space for her to feel her feelings.

My unregulated self said, “I’m going to pull you from that school.” It went over as well as you’d think considering she felt like absolute crap before the Snapchat videos from whoever heard whatever at school. Like I said, I wish I would’ve just held my tongue and held space.

When we got home, and my salad arrived, I sat beside her and asked what was going on at school. She snapped back basically telling me to mind my own business. I am no stranger to teenage tension, I’ve raised two of her older siblings alone as well, but she takes me to a new level.

Can I regulate already?

All in all, she’s a decent kid and a good human, but she’s a teenage girl. I have my work cut out for me. This argument ended with her going to her dad’s house for an hour to cool off. While she was there, she took an antibiotic for the virus that she tested negative for. Her body disagreed with that decision and she began a puke fest that is still going on.

Today, my body aches and I’m taking it easy. The next few days may be rough. My muscles are tense and my soul is shaky. I am still not regulated and it has been twenty-four hours since our argument. I intended to do a To Be Magnetic self-hypnosis practice this morning but, with a puppy, my morning ritual was a little more rushed than I prefer.

Although it was not the weekend I hoped for, I finally got my bare feet on the snow-free ground after my backyard thawed out and I threw on a few layers to walk a mile back there to connect with nature. It was beautiful and so beneficial. Is it Spring yet?

Thanks for reading!